A Holiday Interview with the Kraken

Now that we’re knee deep in the Christmas season, I think again about my favorite holiday movie of all time. That’s right. Die Hard. But even though I watch it every year, I feel an emptiness when I turn off the T.V. There’s just something missing from the Christmas season. Sea monsters. We have lots of scary Christmas movies. Krampus, the Reckoning and Santa’s Slay. But why isn’t there A Cthulhu Christmas?  Where is Deck the Jaws? And why don’t we have a Kraken on 34th Street? So for this holiday season, I decided to reach out to one of my favorite monsters for an interview, who also shares much of my taste in movies. I managed to catch him in favorite lounging place, just off the coast of Jacksonville.

LL: Thanks so much for joining me on my blog today.

Kraken: Pleased to be here, Leslie.

LL: We’re heading into the holiday season, so I wanted to ask: what is your favorite Christmas movie?

Kraken: I don’t have a TV, but I sometimes sneak up on a beach house and peer in the windows. Every December, someone always puts on Die Hard, which I quite enjoy, especially because of all the killing. I’m always sad when the hero, Hans Gruber, falls to his tragic death. Then someone turns on A Christmas Story and I have to restrain myself from destroying the beach house and eating their children. I hate that movie.

LL: Yes, I feel ya on that one. Very overrated flick. But don’t they see you sitting on the beach, with your eye in the window? I mean, you are quite large.

Kraken: I usually wait until the egg nog punch bowl is almost empty before I settle in.

LL: At our house, we usually make some traditional Christmas treats. My husband makes Vanocka, a traditional Czech braided bread, and I make Irish soda bread, which has currents and caraway seeds in it. It’s really quite lovely. What are some of your favorite Christmas treats?

Kraken: Submarines. Not the sandwich. The actual submarine. When they’re fully loaded with weapons, they taste a little spicy. But I eat them only around the holidays, because they’re stuffed with people, which makes them extra rich and a little hard on my waistline.

LL: I know what you mean. I pretty much eat pie for lunch from Christmas until New Years, so I’m especially grateful for stretchy pants.

Kraken: I don’t wear pants.

LL: That’s...interesting. But let’s get back to holiday traditions. What about holiday gatherings? I usually attend a Christmas Eve church service that’s absolutely packed with screaming children--

Kraken: Wow. That sounds delicious.

LL: Well, what I mean, is that I enjoy big holiday events with lots of people, like attending the Nutcracker, or going to a tree lighting. What are some of the big gala events you go to?

Kraken: Well, I wouldn’t attend the Nutcracker if you paid me with fully loaded Navy Destroyers...but we do have a gathering, down in the Mariana Trench.

LL: That sounds nice. Whom do you invite?

Kraken:  Of all the sea monsters in the world.

LL: All...of them?

Kraken: Yeah. Leviathan, the Sirens, Godzilla. Even Ghost Shark from the Sci-Fi channel makes an appearance, although she is a bit of a diva, with the fame and all. And Moby Dick usually shows by the end of the night, but he always drinks too much egg nog and causes a scene. I mean, it’s in the name.

LL: Ah, yes. I have to tell you, I write young adult, so we can’t have that kind of language on my blog.

Kraken: Oh come on. You write a graphic scene in which a sea monster eats an entire boat of teenagers, but I can’t say [beep]? Or [beep]?

LL: You pretty much summed it up.

Kraken: Well, you can [beep] yourself with a [beep].

LL:  Alright. Let’s get back to Christmas traditions!Signing off, this wonderful Christmas Eve, because it’s beginning to look a lot like Kraken…

May all your holiday traditions, whatever they may be, give you joy this season.