Now that we’re knee deep in the Christmas season, I think again about my favorite holiday movie of all time. That’s right. Die Hard. But even though I watch it every year, I feel an emptiness when I turn off the T.V. There’s just something missing from the Christmas season.
We have lots of scary Christmas movies. Krampus, the Reckoning and Santa’s Slay. But why isn’t there A Cthulhu Christmas? Where is Deck the Jaws? And why don’t we have a Kraken on 34th Street?
So for this holiday season, I decided to reach out to one of my favorite monsters for an interview, who also shares much of my taste in movies. I managed to catch him in favorite lounging place, just off the coast of Jacksonville.
LL: Thanks so much for joining me on my blog today.
Kraken: Pleased to be here, Leslie.
LL: We’re heading into the holiday season, so I wanted to ask: what is your favorite Christmas movie?
Kraken: I don’t have a TV, but I sometimes sneak up on a beach house and peer in the windows. Every December, someone always puts on Die Hard, which I quite enjoy, especially because of all the killing. I’m always sad when the hero, Hans Gruber, falls to his tragic death. Then someone turns on A Christmas Story and I have to restrain myself from destroying the beach house and eating their children. I hate that movie.
LL: Yes, I feel ya on that one. Very overrated flick. But don’t they see you sitting on the beach, with your eye in the window? I mean, you are quite large.
Kraken: I usually wait until the egg nog punch bowl is almost empty before I settle in.
LL: At our house, we usually make some traditional Christmas treats. My husband makes Vanocka, a traditional Czech braided bread, and I make Irish soda bread, which has currents and caraway seeds in it. It’s really quite lovely. What are some of your favorite Christmas treats?
Kraken: Submarines. Not the sandwich. The actual submarine. When they’re fully loaded with weapons, they taste a little spicy. But I eat them only around the holidays, because they’re stuffed with people, which makes them extra rich and a little hard on my waistline.
LL: I know what you mean. I pretty much eat pie for lunch from Christmas until New Years, so I’m especially grateful for stretchy pants.
Kraken: I don’t wear pants.
LL: That’s…interesting. But let’s get back to holiday traditions. What about holiday gatherings? I usually attend a Christmas Eve church service that’s absolutely packed with screaming children–
Kraken: Wow. That sounds delicious.
LL: Well, what I mean, is that I enjoy big holiday events with lots of people, like attending the Nutcracker, or going to a tree lighting. What are some of the big gala events you go to?
Kraken: Well, I wouldn’t attend the Nutcracker if you paid me with fully loaded Navy Destroyers…but we do have a gathering, down in the Mariana Trench.
LL: That sounds lovely. Whom do you invite?
Kraken: Of all the sea monsters in the world.
LL: All…of them?
Kraken: Yeah. Leviathan, the Sirens, Godzilla. Even Ghost Shark from the Sci-Fi channel makes an appearance, although she is a bit of a diva, with the fame and all. And Moby Dick usually shows by the end of the night, but he always drinks too much egg nog and causes a scene. I mean, it’s in the name.
LL: Ah, yes. I have to tell you, I write young adult, so we can’t have that kind of language on my blog.
Kraken: Oh come on. You write a graphic scene in which a sea monster eats an entire boat of teenagers, but I can’t say [beep]? Or [beep]?
LL: You pretty much summed it up.
Kraken: Well, you can [beep] yourself with a [beep].
LL: Alright. Let’s get back to Christmas traditions!
Signing off, this wonderful Christmas Eve, because it’s beginning to look a lot like Kraken. May all your holiday traditions, whatever they may be, give you joy this season.